“I had a fear of dying alone” : Author and speaker Makini Smith on how finding herself helped her find the love she deserved
I wasn’t raised in a two-parent home. To be honest, I didn’t grow up seeing too many Black families that did. Outside of the ones I watched on TV, I had little example of what to look up to. Many of my friends and I had hard-working “single mothers” who looked out for each other’s kids on the block. And although some moms had boyfriends that would visit, they would rarely stay over night and the relationships didn’t last long. For the ones that did have men, they would curse them out so loud you could hear the yelling through the concrete walls of the government-housing complex I grew up in at the far south side of Scarborough, ON.
What became clear to me as I grew older, was that these ladies would have desired to have a loving man around more often than they actually did. This built up a fear in me of dying alone. I was determined to make sure that didn’t happen. I saw many of the women in my family growing old alone. I saw many of the single moms put pressure of being the man of the house on their sons. I felt their frustration of having to carry around the weight of trying to be all things for their family and what that burden was doing to their health mentally, emotionally and physically. I didn’t want that for myself or my children.
Before I turned 15 years old, I met a guy that would later become my first love. At first I just loved the idea that a boy paid so much attention to me, and then that feeling grew into something much greater. Our relationship grew into a love that taught me so much about my self and the world. It allowed me to experience feeling safe, secure and loved more than I ever had. When I became pregnant with our first child 3 years into our relationship, he protected me from the cruel world around me. Financially he took care of his responsibilities. We were a unit…a family.
“I wasn’t raised in a two-parent home.
To be honest, I didn’t grow up seeing too many Black families that did.”
He and I were together for over 8 years and had two beautiful daughters. Things began to change though, as we grew into adulthood. The relationship had become unhealthy and five months after our second child we called it quits. Our young love had outgrown itself and once it was over, I was immediately reminded of the single mothers I saw when I was growing up. I didn’t want to be a single mother but I definitely refused to be in a toxic relationship where I was being called out of my name and unsupported. I had two daughters and would never want a man to treat them the way I was being treated. What kind of example was I providing for them? It mattered more to me that my children were in a safe, loving and healthy environment.
That same year, I then met an older gentleman that showed me what I didn’t know I was missing. He courted me with dates to places I’d never been able to afford and offered love and support to my two daughters. I thought to myself, “could this be love?”
We eventually had an eight-year relationship which included a five-year marriage. What began as what seemed like a much more mature relationship grew into something much more toxic. The mental and emotional abuse was only the beginning. It turned into a physically abusive situation. The first time he put his hands on me in front of our four-year-old son I filed for a divorce and ended the relationship.
These two relationships in particular, had me reflecting. Did I want to be in a relationship so badly that I ignored all the signs leading up to these events? Did all the single moms I observed growing up choose to be single to avoid toxic relationships? Were these Black women including myself missing something? Was it possible to experience the Black love that we saw on television? Did Black love exist? I had questions!
And I sought answers. I learned we can’t attract what we are not in harmony with. So in other words, I was unconsciously attracting relationships I didn’t want because of the power I gave to my upbringing. I had major fears of being alone, insecurities of my strength as a single mother, thrown in with little to no value for myself. I was feeding multiple monsters. What we focus on grows.
Becoming a student of life and working to improve myself daily through the same principles I now teach has impacted all of my relationships (not just love interests).
Belief is EVERYTHING. When we truly envision something for ourselves we can manifest it through belief. Belief that you will be in the relationship of your dreams requires you to get really specific about what that looks and feels like.
Affirmations help to seal those beliefs into our subconscious. What we affirm regularly becomes a habit. Thinking causes feelings. Feelings cause action. Action causes results. When we continuously write and say the positive things we would like it affects how we think.
Practicing daily gratitude for where you currently are helps you to appreciate everything that comes your way. If we are not grateful for what we have and where we are, why should we expect to be given more or greater?
While I was working toward being a better person, my current love was doing the same. We connected because we were ready and open to receive the love we now share. We attracted each other because we were in harmony. If we had not both been on our personal journey to better ourselves when we met, we would have destroyed what we have. We co-exist very well. It’s rare that we are upset with one another and it doesn’t last long. The conflicts have always been minor and we resolve issues with respectful communication and a desire to understand one another.
No relationship is perfect but we are perfect for each other. I no longer have those fears of dying alone and my perspective has broadened so much because I’m experiencing healthy Black love. I now believe in Black love more than ever. Could it be that what I focused on grew? Could it be that I now see more of it because I know it’s possible? What do you see around you when it comes to Black love? What are you attracting?