How Imposter Syndrome Unmasked Itself to a Black Womxn in Teacher’s College
There are aspects of my first year of Teacher’s College back in September 2019 that I never want to relive again—and I haven't. However, coming to terms with what I can now call “imposter syndrome” has helped me to comprehend the feelings I had throughout my program.
Imposter syndrome refers to the innate emotions an individual has when it comes to their competency and/or successes. People with imposter syndrome often have feelings of being a fraud or unqualified within an environment, regardless of past qualifications (Lee & Morfitt, 2020). While imposter syndrome is felt by almost everyone at some point, being a Black womxn in academia adds a layer of racial microaggressions that we withstand uniquely. The instinctive pressure to overperform along with being an “outsider” in a predominantly White program creates several conflicting thoughts of self-doubt, inadequacy and insecurity that are detrimental to our overall well-being.
When I first walked into orientation for the Bachelor’s of Education program—commonly known as Teacher’s College—I immediately felt out of place. In a room full of hundreds of students, seeing the small clusters of Black colleagues overpowered by a dominant White presence was unsettling. In that moment, I recalled when I first applied to the program and highlighted the underrepresentation of Black educators in Ontario. What I wrote back then showed in the room that day. I started questioning why I was accepted into the program. Was it to fill a diversity quota? I could never shake that uncertainty from my mind. Knowing that I wasn’t going to find a definitive answer to that pained me the most.
Juggling the stressors of work plus all the commitments required from the program were challenging enough, but imposter syndrome added additional stress. During a conversation with a colleague, I shared that I had more goals for myself aside from teaching - and their response shocked me.
“Why are you in Teacher’s College if you don’t see yourself teaching for the rest of your career?” they scoffed. This exchange caught me off guard to say the least. During the conversation, two feelings were running through my mind: I took offense, yet also felt undeserving of the space I was in. After that, I slowly found myself regressing inwards.
Navigating my insecurities reached a pivotal point in February 2020 . The Ministry of Education issued a report on the Peel District School Board—where I did my placement—revealing the board’s complicity in Anti-Black racism. Moreover, the report showed a contrast of the multicultural student body (83% percent of secondary school students in Peel are from Non-White racial backgrounds), with the overt representation of White staff in Peel (Chadha et al., 2020).
Reading these numbers, I wrestled with the idea of working in education; something that I dreamed of doing from a young age. How’s it possible for a Black womxn to excel in an institution that does not adequately represent or uplift the experiences I come from? Did Black womxn educators hold space in the Ontario school system? Should I continue with Teacher’s College?
I felt ousted and unworthy of my place. Imposter syndrome disillusioned my ideas of working in education. I carried these thoughts throughout quarantine and just like everyone else, the future to come appeared uncertain.
The fifth month of quarantine changed everything for me. One restless night in July, I reflected on the only time I had a Black teacher in grade school. I’d never forget that impressionable school and the impact of having a Black womxn as an educator. The relationship between a Black girl and a Black womxn is an irreplaceable connection and I felt that with her. As a teacher, she embodied what it meant to see myself in such an important profession, even if it felt like it thrived off of my invisibility.
Then and there I had a reawakening. I drew myself back to education because I understood what representation meant for myself as a young Black girl. Pushing the narrative of what it means to be a Black womxn in Education is my aspiration. And I want that to happen.
For Black womxn, experiencing Anti-Black racism and sexism in academia means that running into imposter syndrome is inevitable. Learning to confirm those self-doubts has allowed myself to re-affirm my value and never lose sight on the goal. Demand your presence and understand that our experiences are unique and stem from larger societal realities that need to be dismantled. It is crucial to grasp that imposter syndrome is not our friend. Liberate yourself from it.
Works Referenced
Lee, E., & Morfitt, P. (2020). Imposter Syndrome, Women in Technical Services, and Minority Librarians: The Shared Experience of Two Librarians of Color. Technical Services Quarterly, 37(2), pp.136-147. Retrieved from DOI: 10.1080/07317131.2020.1728125
Chadha, E., Herbert, S., & Richard, S. (2020). Review of the Peel District School Board. Ministry of Education. http://www.edu.gov.on.ca/eng/new/review-peel-district-school-board-report-en.pdf