The big shift: Finding balance and fulfilment as a first-time mother

How many of us as girls heard horror stories of women losing their jobs upon revealing their pregnancies, or not having successful job interviews because they were pregnant? How many of us as girls watched our mothers struggle and knew we wanted different for ourselves when starting our own families? 

Let me shift gears: how many of us Black girls knew we had to work twice as hard in school and work for any hope of recognition? Specifically in the Toronto area, studies show that many Black children face racial profiling that inhibits them from reaching their full potential. Of course, this later translates into our adult life in the workforce. How much intersectional trauma do we as Black women face as children, into adulthood, and into motherhood? How much of this trauma seeps into postpartum depression and the stress that working Black mothers face? 

I know this story all too well. I worked extremely hard to achieve success in my post-secondary education and tried to ensure that I was in a comfortable space to start a family. I experienced micro-aggressions and anti-Black racist practices in the corporate world and endured the mental trauma that followed. With this in mind, I was actually happy to get a ‘break’ from the working world during the last weeks of my pregnancy and for the year-long parental leave that followed in May of 2019. But in the weeks that led up to my due date, I actually experienced anxiety. I worried about falling behind in my career development and that I would essentially have to start from scratch upon my return. 

When my son was 8 months old, I started planning my return to work. I began sending out emails, trying to get back in the groove of networking. I went on a few informational interviews and I slowly prepared myself for this new reset of working mom life. My son was my motivation, but this was also about feeling whole myself, too. Balancing motherhood, getting my body back, and achieving my career aspirations were all important to me, and I couldn’t wait to reach my goals. 

And then it happened: the pandemic and subsequent quarantine. I thought to myself that this would be easy - I had basically been in quarantine with my son for the last 11 months, making only essential trips and the few “me time” days here and there, treating myself to shopping or a manicure. But, I soon realized that everything would be different. It was a new normal: no more going for drinks with the girls, no more dinner or movie dates. My husband is an essential worker so he was hardly ever home, and this also added anxiety: what if he gets COVID and brings it home to us?  It became clear that quarantine was nothing like just being home with my son. There was so much more to consider and be concerned about.

And what about me? What about getting back to work, getting back to me, not spending all day with my son? Those plans all went out the window. Everything I had in mind for networking and career development got pushed back yet again. This caused anxiety and stress for me, in addition to the fact that my baby wasn’t a baby anymore. When he was an infant, I honestly had so much more time for myself - all he would do is eat, poop and sleep. Now as a busy toddler, he walks, talks, touches, climbs, and my focus on him requires a different energy.

My parental leave ended in May of this year and I was in constant communication with my manager about working from home. The time finally came, and I received my computer and started a new normal. It definitely has its challenges but I often think of the Black mothers (especially single mothers) who lost their jobs and are now playing the role of teacher, housekeeper, cook, cleaner AND dealing with the intersectional trauma of being a Black woman. With the microscope on police brutality during the pandemic, in addition to the violence being faced by Black women it has truly been triggering. Black women, and specifically Black mothers do so much and our roles are never-ending. We’re strong for everyone, but who is strong for us? 

Going back to work (while not physically in the office) is a time of adaptation for me because I now have to dedicate time that I had with my busy toddler to ‘work stuff’. It has been challenging and sometimes frustrating, but I think this will be a good transitioning time for when I do have to actually be in the office and away from my son. As for myself, going back to work has required me to be on some kind of routine - I’ve added in working out and trying to eat better. I may not stick to it every day, but I do try. Working from home isn’t necessarily the reset I imagined but it’s the card I was dealt, so I take it day by day.  What I’ve learned during this pandemic and these first 18 months of motherhood is that if I’m not okay, I can’t be okay for anyone else. My peace of mind comes first. Seeking out therapy, carving out me time and knowing that each day above ground is a blessing has guided me throughout this period of motherhood.