Growth, me-time and other lessons: 3 Black women on dating through a pandemic
Sophia, 36 (Toronto),
Fabienne, 38 (Montreal)
Jasmine, 31 (Miami)
For those of us going through this global panorama single, it’s meant a year of serious self-reflection, a lot of time spent re-evaluating life goals, plans, timelines, needs and wants, and sometimes, quite literally braving the elements. From physically navigating a dangerous disease, fighting dating burn-out (yes, that's a real thing now), to the now forced and mostly awkward shift to creative forms of digital dating, it seems like we’re all in a desperate search for some semblance of joy, mental stability and well, company.
Compounded with closures, curfews and a Canadian winter, what was already a daunting and often precarious dating landscape pre-panini now feels 10 times worse. And any last hope of fatefully bumping into your soulmate at a coffee shop, bookstore or day-party (remember those?!), have been tossed out the window with yesterday’s N95.
It’s been...alat.
To hear some insights into what it’s been like to ride out this last year solo (while also trying to keep the dream alive), I sat down with three single women to talk about their experiences.
What has being single the last year been like for you?
Fabienne: It's the first time in my life, throughout this past year, that I realized just how rough and lonely being single could be. [...] Especially with the lifestyle I had before COVID, I was always on the go, attending events, spending time with friends. I just didn’t feel the lows as much as I do now.
Sophia: If I had to describe the past year in one sentence, it would be: the loneliest year of my life.
And, how would you describe dating during this time, in particular?
Sophia: [...] like being stranded on a deserted island that has unlimited Wi-Fi and a Netflix account. There are other islands all around with single men on them. but in order to get to them, you need to put in the effort, find the materials and build yourself a boat. It’s a lot of work when you’re constantly emotionally drained, and have every season of The Office at your fingertips.
Jasmine: I’ve tried to really make a schedule for myself to keep my mind busy. [...] A good week I can be on cloud nine, and then whenever something in my love life gets a little shaky it throws everything off—queue the wine, Netflix series, anxiety and sleeping in. Maybe it's the Pisces in me, but I’m truly living by my emotions.
What have been some of the more difficult parts of shifting to online dating?
Sophia: Lately I’ve found that I really need to psych myself up before even opening the apps. Maybe it’s the people I’ve been chatting with, but the conversations don’t really seem to go anywhere. Probably because there’s so much else happening in the world … maintaining a casual chat with a stranger … I’ll likely never meet in person, just doesn’t take priority these days.
Fabienne: I’m the kind of person who connects with people easier in person. [...] Since the world shut down, dating apps have been the only way to connect, [but] I quickly turned those off. I wasn’t attracted by the profiles I saw, the conversations I had, [and] I felt it was very time consuming. I just couldn't connect through the screen, not really.”
Jasmine: The worst part is navigating people's intentions. While I'm grateful the pandemic hasn't impacted me too much, I am always super aware and mindful it hasn't been that way for everyone. [...] More than ever I find myself having to juggle people's emotions a lot more carefully.
“Probably because there’s so much else happening in the world … maintaining a casual chat with a stranger … I’ll likely never meet in person, just doesn’t take priority these days.”
Have there been any upsides to it? Any happy surprises or shifts that you noticed in adapting to the circumstances?
Sophia: Not having to explain to friends and family that I haven’t met anyone new. That’s been nice. [...] I feel more at ease letting people know how I’ve been coping, staying healthy, and am open to hearing their experiences and opinions, as well. These types of conversations are so common that I’ve found establishing boundaries happens much more organically for me than it used to, which I’m grateful for.
Jasmine: [...] I feel that I have really become in tune with communicating how I feel, [my] needs and desires. I’m in a “what can you lose?” state of mind.
What about lessons? Have these “unprecedented times” brought on any major realizations?
Fabienne: Yessss. [...] It’s forced me to slow down and learn how to spend more time with myself. Take some “me time” and to do the things that I never really took the time to do, for me.
Sophia: I’ve always been social, but this past year I learned how much I need human interaction and physical contact. It goes without saying that being isolated takes a real toll on you, after a while. But you never really know how it will affect you until it happens. This past year has taught me to cherish and appreciate every in-person conversation I have, whether it’s from a distance or safely with the few friends in my bubble.
What about moving forward? As we start to see a light at the end of this COVID tunnel, have you reflected on long-term impacts—for better or worse?
Jasmine: I think this past year has impacted me for sure. Personally, I would say for the better. But when I think about my 2, 5, [or]10 year partner and family goals, the jury is still out. I have even played with the idea of doing the mom thing on my own. [...] I [do] wonder how much this will change those dreams. To be honest, my dating experience, this past year, has mentally closed me off to wanting to meet new people too, so I'm just very confused overall.
Sophia: I’ve been single for long stretches before, and it was fine. But this past year I learned just how much being alone can have an effect on your mental health. [...] I started resenting couples, to the point where seeing two people holding hands, while walking down the street, became triggering. [...] The old me would have felt embarrassed to talk about how hard this is, but now I know that talking about it is what's helped me stay sane. [...] There is already so much to think about in the middle of a pandemic, being single adds a whole other level of loneliness to the already physically distant world.
“I’ve always been social, but this past year I learned how much I need human interaction and physical contact. It goes without saying that being isolated takes a real toll on you, after a while. But you never really know how it will affect you until it happens.”
Ultimately, do you think it was for the best, or worth it?
Fabienne: Before the pandemic, I knew it was important to prioritize yourself, whether you are single or in a relationship, but I didn’t put it into practice. Now I really know the meaning of it, and why it’s so important. I would say that being single and alone in a pandemic, and having to make the most of it, makes you realize that.
Sophia: As difficult as this past year has been, I like to believe that it was for the better. I learned a lot during this time. I know what I won’t tolerate from a partner. I learned that I want a family, and I’d like to have that family sooner rather than later. I believe that I deserve love. All of these things I couldn’t have said with such certainty a year ago, so that’s one good thing I can look back on.
As we head into what may very well be another summer in lockdown, while aching for this vaccine roll-out to roll the fuck out already, it would seem that 2020 wasn’t without its own (twisted) blessings, after all. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and apparently that includes riding out a global pancetta, solo.