Pain without fear: How BDSM taught one woman to honor her desires.
When Ana, the Black, 20-something submissive I found on FetLife reached out about the interview, I immediately started preparing our discussion. Reviewing the social media platform for those interested in BDSM, it was often described as the first stop on most new kinksters’ journey. Once we met, Ana’s account of her time in the community was smooth. Her words flowed as they do from someone filled with passion, as she described what it meant to be a submissive bottom and what those designations had done for her confidence.
Submissive: one who voluntarily relinquishes control to a partner for a set time
Bottom: one who is the recipient of a sensation i.e. in wax play, a bottom is the one to have the wax poured onto them
The Starbucks we met at was operating at limited capacity, and following Ana’s gaze, my eyes landed right on a trio in the parking lot, just outside the doors. It appeared to be a mother, daughter, and what might’ve been an older uncle, or grandfather, standing—arms outstretched—for a hug that wasn’t coming.
There was a definite look on the woman’s face as she turned to the teen, already halfway back in the car, but we were too far to hear anything, and the man dropped his arms.
“When I say the foundations are rotten for a lot of vanilla relationships, that’s what I’m talking about. Can you remember how many times you’ve engaged folks in ways you didn’t want to, just because you were too young to be heard?”
Vanilla: A word first used to describe non-kink oriented sex, and/or relationships
Our eyes met, briefly, before she continued. “How many times did you hear ‘Don’t be rude’ before you understood your body isn’t yours? That your discomfort isn’t an issue to resolve, but an inconvenience to dismiss?”
I felt myself shifting in my seat, the silence that hung over only being interrupted when she eventually blurted out, “Did you read the glossary?”
“Yes!” I exclaimed, skimming the file I’d received. I stopped the screen mid-scroll and read a quote from the entry on ‘Consent’ which had held my attention most: “You aren’t a killjoy for acknowledging violations.” I looked back up in time to catch Ana nodding.
“That was written with kinky folks in mind, but honestly if I leave you with nothing else, let it be those 7 words. A ‘scene’ is really just 2 (or more) people coming together to…do kinky shit, and it can lead to sexual contact, but it really doesn’t have to.” Ana’s tone was playful but frank. “So, since interests vary among those who practice…the baseline for any scene is just a negotiated and agreed-upon beginning, middle, and end. Everything else will work out in the wash. But, and I really want to emphasize, all must be discussed and agreed upon before anything starts.”
“You aren’t the killjoy for acknowledging violations.”
Suddenly I was back in the bed—back in the shower—wondering about the times when my ‘no’ didn’t count. Encounters that had stolen the bass right out of my voice. Barely noticing I’d cut Ana off for another question, I pressed, “Isn’t that unrealistic?”
Feeling her eyes, I chose instead to focus on the notes now swimming on my screen. My voice shook as I continued, “Expecting guys to stop once everything gets going, I mean.” I remembered the last time I couldn’t find words for something I knew I didn’t sign up for. I considered how my #MeToo advocacy never accounted for the death by a thousand violations, sprinkled throughout my own history. I asked if she ever felt that structure made things boring. Following up with something about spontaneity, but her laughter broke through first. “I enjoy playing with melted wax, or being spanked, and research shows I’m probably about to throw restraints into the mix. This isn’t to be vulgar, but rather for context,” the smile behind her mask still showed in the creases of her eyes, “because of all descriptors, ‘boring’ doesn’t really fit for me.”
As I asked for some final words, Ana’s phone twirled in her hands. “There are no safe scenes without Safe Words. That’s a negotiated word that anyone can use to pause, check-in, or end the scene. And even in a “simple” session with a long-term partner, they can, and should be used. Traffic lights are my go-to,” she continued at my blank stare, “Using Red, Yellow, Green to mean stop, slow down, and full speed ahead, respectively. It’s just good practice. It ensures everyone knows that if need be, anything can and will stop. Sorry, just calling my ride. Ooh, a Tesla…” the phone stopped mid twirl, running through the motions of a ride-share, then twirling once more.
“Honestly, more than anything else, I want more of us to honour our desires—whatever that looks like. Researching your interests is a good thing. Sitting with yourself to understand what you like, is a good thing. Directly stating what roles you expect your partner(s) to fill, is a good thing. BDSM forced me to speak up for myself more explicitly than I ever thought I could and there is so much power in that. You asked about boredom, right?” I nodded, watching her repack the clutch she had shown up with. “I’ll put it to you like this: a life with the…unpleasantries I’ve experienced, makes it much easier to cultivate pleasure right alongside safety. To push it a bit further, I don’t think it’s fair for non-men’s only options to be “excitement” or “safety”. Yet that’s all we ever seem to be offered, but we deserve more. We deserve so much more.”
Ana strode through the Starbucks’ doors, and as she slid into one of the many musk mobiles, her words kept running through my mind.
“Honestly, more than anything else, I want more of us to honour our desires—whatever that looks like.”
As I returned to my notes, I began to review the book recommendations she’d left me with. The quotes and teachings within them helped me grapple with the new information that had been presented to me. Within it, similarly to Ana, I began to find a new confidence with which to navigate this new world.
“[W]e believe that, contrary to the opinions of the uninformed, consensual sadism, dominance and topping are primarily empathic activities.”
― Dossie Easton, The New Topping Book
“We bottom in order to [reach] within ourselves and with our partners that we cannot [reach] without a top. To explore these spaces, we need someone to push us over the edge in the right ways, and to keep us safe while we’re out there flying.”
― Dossie Easton, The New Bottoming Book
“Shame derives its power from being unspeakable.”
― Brené Brown, Daring Greatly
My eyes lingered on the last title a bit longer, recognizing its author—the shame lady? The book had been a gift from one of my first therapists and seeing such a ‘vanilla’ title in the line up made our chat feel a little more real. The emphasis in Brown’s writings on the risk and reward of clearer, more vulnerable connections, even beyond romantic pairings, also crystallized the points we’d been discussing. Without knowing everything about BDSM yet, the transparency it seems to mandate, did appeal to me, and felt very much like Brown’s own teachings on the harm inflicted by shame and the freedom that actively working against it could offer us all.