Unlearning the misogynistic “rules” for women and embracing my sexuality
From the moment we are born, women are groomed for marriage and motherhood. Quite often, we are taught to center our lives around the qualities that can garner the attention of men, and potentially render us worthy of marriage. Even while we may be seen as kind or nurturing towards our siblings and peers, it is often taken as a sign that we can make a good partner.
In my Southern American upbringing, wearing red lipstick or nail polish was deemed a rebellious act. It was a silent, yet enticing symbol that a woman was a “lady of the night.” For years, I donned god-awful clothing to appease my grandparents and church elders, who believed that wearing short skirts, especially without slips, gave off the wrong impression. Meanwhile, form-fitting clothing, which I secretly viewed as sexy and empowering, would bring about temptation from lustful, wandering eyes.
The pressures within my own household were only amplified when paired with the constant bombardment of social media pages dedicated to teaching women—often through dated tropes—how to be the perfect doting wife, how to serve a man, and how to run the perfect household.
While inherited gender roles arguably did more harm than good, as a teenager, I began to notice that boys were clearly free to do whatever and whomever they pleased, with impunity. Gone were lessons preachings of abstinence or of having a respectable number of sexual partners. And missing too, were the lessons on life skills and lectures about fashion choices that could make them a less than desirable partner.
“It was an emotional struggle between who I was raised to be and the woman I was desperate to become.”
And within a seemingly endless list of rules, there were some things I began to observe early on. For starters, if I wished to be chosen, I absolutely could not do the things that men did. I needed to carry myself with respect, otherwise men would not respect me. I could not be too opinionated, too powerful, or too strong, because that would emasculate my partner. And while I struggled desperately to “fall in line,” I also found myself, both privately and publicly, passing judgment onto the women who chose to do otherwise. What I would never admit was my secret desire to be just as bold, liberated and brave as they were. It was an emotional struggle between who I was raised to be and the woman I was desperate to become.
Somewhere in my early to mid twenties, however, I finally decided that enough was enough. I refused to adhere to a repressive system that placed weighted biases on our shoulders, just to find the right man. Instead, I became the bold, liberated and brave woman that I used to secretly admire. I stopped subscribing to gender roles and ideologies about what made a good wife. And once I began to feel more comfortable in my skin, I congratulated myself with one hell of a “ho phase.” Several, actually. The way I saw it, if a man could do it, so could I! Though I still maintained one sexual partner at a time, I found freedom and joy in casually dating multiple men, simultaneously.
It came as no surprise that some of the men I encountered were intimidated by a woman who behaved exactly like them. For some men, there was the flawed notion that “a ho cannot be turned into a housewife,” meanwhile others were just relieved to have an impermanent relationship. But through these casual and fleeting rendezvous, I learned more about myself, and it landed me at the reality that, no matter how “perfect” I attempted to be, there was no guarantee that I would ever get married. Sure, it was in my life’s plan, but in the meantime, why waste so much time being groomed for a reality that may never come? I wanted to live my life on my own terms and refused to let it diminish who I was.
“I became the bold, liberated and brave woman that I used to secretly admire.”
Recently, I had a full circle moment when the “Buss It” and “Silhouette” viral challenges created an uproar on social media. While many enjoyed the playful and creative posts, it wasn’t long before the think pieces began to pour in. Somehow the 30-second clips were enough to diminish a woman’s character, values, goals, and accomplishments. In the eyes of many, the women who partook had to lack self respect or common decency. The same men who enjoyed these videos enough to view and repost them also made remarks like, “this could not be my girl” or “I do not want my daughter to see stuff like this.”
Unsurprisingly, I also saw several posts from women who thought that such content should only be between a woman and her partner, and being “naked on the internet” was not a symbol for empowerment. In their mind, 30 seconds was enough to judge the character and worth of a woman because she no longer fit into a box that patriarchy deemed acceptable for her.
Perhaps, what's most interesting about these debates is the fact that women are expected to have their own sexual agency, confidence, and power. These are often the very traits men list when describing their “perfect” mate. That is, until we redefine what these terms mean to us, removing the satisfaction of men from the equation. For me, unapologetically owning our sexuality in its various and intricately woven forms is one of the greatest things we can tap into as women. Black women are not a monolith, and the ways we choose to define and perform whatever makes us feel empowered, will vary.
“Unapologetically owning our sexuality in its various and intricately woven uniqueness is one of the greatest things we can tap into as women.”
Being empowered is the freedom to live life on your own terms, without the fear of judgement or need for approval from others. How we, as women, choose to be empowered is a personal choice, and a right we are all entitled to.